i just realized that wanting to lick an ashtray is really stupid

I went to the rooftop to talk to the moon and the stars.
Those hot balls of gas were perfect listeners.

Me: Hi Moon, Hi Stars… oh, Hi Shimmer (my lucky star). You guys are so beautiful…Thank you for being around. I have to talk to someone because I’m in pain right now. My heart’s bleeding and I’m having tummy aches. I guess that if you’ve been having tremendous emotional pain it would translate to physical pain if you won’t let it all out.

I made myself vulnerable and I took this amazing risk even though I know I will never get anything in return but instead lose everything. It may be the stupidest thing I’ve ever done but it turned out to be the best thing that’s ever happened to me. It was the most liberating thing that I’ve ever experienced - that feeling of total surrender. I wonder if she ever felt that...I guess not.

I’m dealing with the consequences. It’s just that I’ve never thought that that would be her reaction. I know it was too aggressive and my friends probably think that I’m a deranged sex maniac.

Shimmer: Why did you do that even though you will never pursue her anyway?

Me: Probably, I just wanted to break that spell she has on me. And it worked. She no longer affects me. If ever our paths cross I can look at her straight in the eye and thank her for letting me feel that way because I haven’t felt that way in a long time. This feeling wouldn’t last anyway. Phenylethylamine has an expiration date – that would be a year and a half to three years. I felt that way about her October 2005…so I guess what I’m feeling would soon end - like tomorrow. hehe

La Luna: If you won’t pursue her…why do you still want to talk to her?

Me: Because I think I deserve to be treated like a person and not like some untouchable. I feel that I’m the most repugnant person on earth. Am I such a hateful person that she will never talk to me again? Besides, I want to know what's she's feeling. I crave for rejection: Kat, I'm sorry. I don't feel the same way.

Is that too much to ask? To want to be treated like I exist?

What will you do if a star comes to you and reveals her feelings, but you don’t like her?

Shimmer: Hmm...I would be grateful because she thinks I’m worth her time. I won't feel betrayed. I will not hide nor run away. I will not ignore her. I will talk to her to clarify things. If she’s my friend, I will not let that fleeting fancy ruin a friendship. I would be the same as I was.

Me: I didn’t ask for any of this. It’s not like I chose to have these feelings. If I knew how to stop them I would’ve. And if I could’ve chosen another person to fall in love with, believe me I would’ve.

I’m just depressed because I lost her…I lost a friend.

good thing there's alcohol

i've been drinking away the pain.

since ten p.m. heheeeeh.. but my mind's never been clearer. how could i have been that stupid?
but i don't regret any of it. i'm glad sheknows. i'm just sorry she hates me for it. and for making her feel betrayed.. it was not my intention.

i feel like i'm drowning.

"ate, bakit ka umiiyak?" (that's my baby sister - 7 and a half hours ago)
"wala baby, tanga lang kasi si ate...may nagawa si ate kaya nagalit sakin yung friend ko...) (that was sober me)
"ate, wag ka na umiyak...hindi mo naman sinasadya eh..."
still sobbing...
"ate, wag mo na lang kaya pansinin yung friend mo."

nyahaha. that won't be a problem. she will definitely make sure that will happen.

but i refuse to be treated like the rest. i will give her time. i want her to tell me that she never wants to see my face again and to tell me that she feels awkward and that she feels disgusted. forget civilities. if she hates me, she should say it and not ignore me...