a dead butterfly

i saw a dead butterfly yesterday. she was yellow with black spots.

she's supposed to be beautiful except that she was dead and her wings were already battered by the rain.

i carried her home and gave her a decent burial. maggots are now eating her.

i can't help but wonder if she had a full life, whether or not she flew her heart out that day she died. i wonder if she even had unfathomable sex before her obvious sudden death. you see, beautiful creatures hide themselves from the world when they're about to die.

they're doing the world a favor.

unfortunately for me, i saw her spoiled with mud.

I DESPISE THE RAIN

crossroads

a month into law school and i feel like quitting. i have read more in that one month than in my whole undergrad. i'm not kidding. there are days when you ask yourself, is this what i really want? does it matter that i told the admissions committee that i would be deeply confounded if i'd be forced to choose another career other than law? it's true by the way, but sometimes, i wonder...why don't i just sing, join star in a million or something hehe...

oh, and there are days when i just want to shout: tama na please? i'm only human...but then, this is what i want. pananagutan ko to.

then there are the professors. they would waste no time in humiliating you. but it's part of the learning process. they're training us to think like lawyers. to have sharp wit can save you, albeit momentarily. in law school, you will learn to curse the high heavens when your name is called for recitation. your last name would transform itself into a ticking bomb, and once called out, it explodes into deadly fragments.

in law school, you would learn to pray often. 24/7 to be exact. if you have a God, then you learn to talk to him more often. you thank Him for making you survive a tough recitation or thank Him for making you realize that you have the capacity to learn. not the just the law, but life in general. and when things go wrong, talking to Him would make it all better.

me, quit? no way. pananagutan ko to.

hahaha, i will die at the age of 58

WANNA KNOW WHEN YOU'D DIE?

haha. i wanted to die an earlier age.

it's crazy that i want to die young. i mean, i'm happy. i feel blessed and loved. but i guess dying young would mean i would die before my loved ones. you can blame it on selfishness...but that's the thing. i haven't experienced any "real" deaths in the family. my grandfather died when i was 2...so i don't remember anything of it. we have pictures of the wake, the interment etc...and i know everybody was really sad, coz of the pictures which showed them sobbing and all. and i know i was there..but then, a person's memory is volatile. when i asked my mom about it, she told me i sang "bahay kubo" to him while he lay on his coffin.

freak.

my other grandfather died when i was 9 and since i didn't know him that well, i.e. i didn't have a relationship with him, just an occasional mano when we would visit the province. we lived in Saudi before so in effect, i didn't feel any particular sadness - which made me feel worse because everyone else was obviously sad. at the wake, one of my titas (my father's sister) screamed at my dead lolo and she reprimanded him why he died young (62) and then she bawled her eyes out.

haha. weird family.

but really. i'm scared shit if any of my loved ones would die before me.